I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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