you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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