I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
