I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
