Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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