my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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