actually, I'm a sock model
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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