32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
make that 40.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.