I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
