My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
