my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
