i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
