first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
