i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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