i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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