On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
