Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
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you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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