youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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