Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
