if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
