Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
