just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
