just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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