I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
