i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
