Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
