Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
