I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
cat food counts as protein by the way
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
