Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
