Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
