Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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