You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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