I cockslap morals
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
