By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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