i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
