so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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