There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
