drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I love you. Go after that dick
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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