We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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