It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
