its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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