I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
