my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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