Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize