Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
