I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize