Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
