Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
