I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize