I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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