My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
