Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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