I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
