I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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