3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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