my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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