all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
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I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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