he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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