My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
