Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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