Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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