after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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