Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
