Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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