I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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